Diwali, the festival of light,
Diwali, victory over evil
Diwali the triumph of light over darkness and hope
The re-emergence from illness, incarceration in the wrong place, the wrong body, the wrong mind
My thoughts; a new beginning
And yet, my arrival,
A day late. A day post Diwali and
Delhi, a city encased in smog.
Delhi’s million Diwali lights struggling, straining, striving to be seen through the aftermath of its celebrations
Battling to make their mark
A battle that seemed futile
My hopes also dashed
With a final heartbeat.
Gone, the foundation of my life
Gone, the world I had always known
Gone, the person I knew how to be.
Years of frustration; searching, striving, struggling, to please, needing to be worthy of love
A battle never won.
Yet now, a cruel opportunity through loss?
Gone, a person I no longer needed to be.
A departure from false reality
Time for reflection, time to learn, time to be, time for time’s sake and then
Insights, knowledge and truth
New perspectives, true perspectives and with them daring to hope,
Hope that expectations and dreams renewed
could now be possible.
Hope and a future
Security, stability, success all within reach, so reach, reach, reach out and grasp, but too slow, too late
The memories of failure and the havoc they wreak bringing
The fear of failure, the fear of daring to hope, the fear of daring to dream, the fear of truly daring to be.
The fear of truly being.
That’s the new fear, the fear of vulnerability, that fear which smashes the ability to dare.
But there is Time
no need to rush
With time comes
A renewed strength
Strength which will prevail and
The vigour with which to proceed, not just to dream, but to believe.
Believe in the future, my future, my success.
Gained a new perspective
Gained a sense of truly being and of being true if not quite yet
There’s still time.
The smog, shading the lights, hiding their brilliance until the smokescreen clears.