cochin alone

Smokescreen, Diwali, a Poem.

Smokescreen

Diwali, the festival of light,

Diwali, victory over evil

Diwali the triumph of light over darkness and hope

My hope

The re-emergence from illness, incarceration in the wrong place, the wrong body, the wrong mind

My thoughts; a new beginning

And yet, my arrival,

A day late. A day post Diwali and

Delhi, a city encased in smog.

Delhi’s million Diwali lights struggling, straining, striving to be seen through the aftermath of its celebrations

Battling to make their mark

A battle that seemed futile

My hopes also dashed

Dashed

With a final heartbeat.

Gone

Gone, the foundation of my life

Gone, the world I had always known

Gone, the person I knew how to be.

Exhausted.

Years of frustration; searching, striving, struggling, to please, needing to be worthy of love

A battle never won.

Exhausting.

Yet now, a cruel opportunity through loss?

Gone, a person I no longer needed to be.

A departure from false reality

Hope renewed.

Time needed,

Time for reflection, time to learn, time to be, time for time’s sake and then

Discovering

Insights, knowledge and truth

New perspectives, true perspectives and with them daring to hope,

Hope that expectations and dreams renewed

could now be possible.

Hope and a future

Security, stability, success all within reach, so reach, reach, reach out and grasp, but too slow, too late

The memories of failure and the havoc they wreak bringing

Fear

The fear of failure, the fear of daring to hope, the fear of daring to dream, the fear of truly daring to be.

The fear of truly being.

That’s the new fear, the fear of vulnerability, that fear which smashes the ability to dare.

But there is Time

no need to rush

With time comes

Strength

A renewed strength

Strength which will prevail and

Vigour

The vigour with which to proceed, not just to dream, but to believe.

Believe in the future, my future, my success.

YES!

Gained;

Gained a new perspective

Gained a sense of truly being and of being true if not quite yet

Belonging.

There’s still time.

The smog, shading the lights, hiding their brilliance until the smokescreen clears.

 

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