It would seem that a compulsory part of living back ‘Up north’ is to join a fat club, must be something to do with the traditional diet of pies and fish and chips. Now this has more benefits than just the weight loss though I am proud to say that I have so far lost 3.5 kgs, nothing to do with stress at all! However, weight loss aside, it is worth the £4.95 weekly fee for the sheer comedy factor. If you have ever heard Peter Kay on fat clubs or seen a similar style sit com, it is like that, but much much funnier. Am not sure how they are taking to their newest member as I do just sit through class literally HOWLING with laughter but it is the best tonic for my current situation, and let’s face it, I have been thrown out of better places, if it comes to that…….
Picture the scenario, 50 overweight women, all having been weighed sitting around 3 sides of the room, many munching on the ‘diet chocolate bars’ provided by the afore mentioned diet club and all masochistically waiting to have their weight loss of the week and then their total weight loss announced to the entire crowd.
In strolls Sarah ( the fat club organiser) – ‘ So, do we have Jean, ah, there you are, listen everybody, Jean has lost another 3 lbs this week, that’s 2 stone 1.5lbs, well done Jean!! A round of applause……. So far so good. ‘Now then, where’s Pat, hi Pat, well done, you’ve lost half a lb this week, that 5 lbs in the last 20 weeks, well done Pat, can we have a round of applause’ (eh??). ‘Now then Pat, did you do what we discussed last week? I know you are spot on with the food, but have you cut down on that bottle of brandy…… (every night) and just have 2 glasses like we discussed’? All eyes move to Pat who must be 75 (years old not stones)……. ‘Well Sarah, I did try that, but you see, its like this, after 2 glasses, quite frankly, I don’t give a toss!! Then I finish the bottle and head to the chip shop…..’
Looks ranging between sympathy, from the larger members of the crowd, horror from the slightly more svelte brigade are directed in poor Pat’s direction, before being redirected toward the snorts of yours truly trying to cram a fist into my mouth to prevent guffaws of laughter from escaping. ‘ Well’, says the ever positive Sarah, ‘not to worry, you have lost 5 lbs, your method seems to be slow and steady, steady like a dripping tap, but its working, well done, can we have another round of applause for Pat……..(What, for being a fat alcoholic???).
‘Now then, Tracy, where are you Tracy?’ All eyes, turn on Tracy and to be fair, who can miss her, she has lost a commendable 5 stones but still has 7 to go! ‘Now then Tracy, half a lb gain this week, are you happy with that?’ ‘No’, replies the mortified Tracy, sniffling into her scrunched up kitchen roll ‘cos I did the super express this week cos I wanted a really big weight loss and I have been through everything and all I can think of is that I must have bought the wrong crisp breads’ WHAT?! Now I am sorry, but how many crates did she buy? All eyes, sympathetically trained on Tracy, nodding in the unification of the evilness of the wrong type of crisp bread, are once again distracted by a loud crashing noise, as yours truly, amid inelegant snorts, falls off her chair into a heap on the community centre floor…… I have a feeling that my membership may soon be terminated.